Talaak Talaak Talaak

The "D" word is fast becoming the mantra of the gen next.  Divorcing each other at the drop of a hat and I don't mean in the fast forward life of the metros but also in the small more conservative towns like Akola and Yavatmal. It was not so much in the recent past that divorce was something that happened to someone who your friends elder brother aunt's knew but now it is people u know on a regular basis. People who you know are pretty amiable and likable otherwise.

Well what got me into this rant is the very painful divorce my friend is going through. He married in October and divorced in April. In this duration he and his wife actually stayed together for about a month and a half. With his wife finishing her graduation and he getting posted to a new town they hardly spent time together. It has not transformed into a he said she said mud slinging match. Now both parties maybe at fault here but are 45 days enough for you to decide whether this person is so bad you could not spend your life with him.

Heck we give more time to our maid servants for them to learn the going ons in our house; Most companies give more time to their employees as probation period. My take on this is that the level of tolerance in most of humankind is at an all time low. She does not put the lid on the sugar after she makes tea TALAAK... He does not want to relocate to a bigger town to pursue HER dreams TALAAK... They don't like the shade of each other eyes TALAAK.

Now thats not to say that people don't genuinely have problems. There are abusive relationships which must end but those even now are still exceptions rather than the rule. Divorce nowadays are really of mundane things which with proper counseling can be sorted out. But counseling is still like a cuss word in India. More in the lines of only mad people see shrinks. So people divorce.

My first thought regrettably when I hear of such an event is the loss both parties had to incur during the wedding. The expensive reception, the three hundred and thirty six thousand photos everyone clicked with the tired looking bride and groom and also the gifts they got. There should be a diktat that if the marriage does not last atleast a year everyone gets their gifts back.

Jokes aside through experience I learned that love or arranged the first year of marriage is the most troublesome. Lots of hope, expectations and misunderstandings. Insecurity in the relations as well as other familial aspirations are a cause of friction. Like churning butter with a lot of froth before and then solid creamy butter. I guess people don't have the urge to wait for the cream anymore. They give up at the froth. Increasingly nuclear families with no one to play referee causes more problems. So whats the solution. Well frankly I don't know. Maybe pre marital counseling or pre divorce counseling may help too but majorly if every person getting married realizes that their partner will not be a xerox copy of their personalities then maybe they will learn to be more forgiving and accepting.

New Year.... New Post....New Intentions

Another decade passed... Year 2000 seems just yesterday yet so far away. I was getting ready to be married, both my kids were not even a passing thought. Sitting here I cannot imagine how much the last 10 years have altered my life. There is no other way I could imagine my life though. No other path I wish my life had undertaken. No other destination my life would be heading.

Well enough of nostalgia and before my whole post ends up sounding like a Hallmark commercial let me go on. With the new year came new resolutions.... UGH I hate that word. New Years Resolutions are when we get to act like politicians. We make empty promises that we end up breaking months later. A new year resolution for me would be about as effective as giving a porcupine a balloon. If I had kept all those resolutions over the past decade..I would be rich, thin, fit, healthy, smarter and organized; but life is good just the way it is : ) But 2011 is the year I definitely intend to have some me moments. Me moments are times when I do things exclusively for moi. This blog is one such thing. Many people have taken the time to email me about restarting the blog and I really thank them for making me feel wanted. BUT I'm a multi-tasking procrastinator... I can put many things off at once! But no more. I will posting regularly, again not everyday but often hopefully once a week.

Rule Bender has become more of a handful but conversely Straight Line has become even more responsible. But more on this later. Signing off reminding you that today is the oldest you've ever been. yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts

How do you handle crisis?

I often wonder at the fact how each human being is created different. Nature has so little to work with. Each human needs to have the same two eyes, one nose, one mouth and two ears but nature still manages to make each of use so unqiue and unlike the other. In the same note everyone handles crisis in such a different manner.


As with other things Mr.C and me handle crisis differently. And our crises range from something minor as not finding Straight Line's homework folder to Rule Bender emptying the whole box of cheerios on the carpet and dancing on them to our parents not being well to work issues and all in between. Mr. C's reaction to any crisis is trying to analyze who is to blame for it. More often than not it ends in the conclusion that yours truly is responsible for all wrongs in this world. If Mr. C could find some convoluted logic he would blame me for global warming and the hole in the ozone layer. Anyways like I was saying as long as he found out a way to blame someone for the situation he is at peace with it. I on the other hand never care for why the crisis occured instead my only thought process works to solve it and my mind kicks into glorious overdrive in emergencies. But I never think of the cause of the crisis and how I should prevent it from happening again. Case in point in the last 4 years I have locked myself out of my own house 3 times but each time I managed to get a locksmith/pry open a window/push in a screen door and get back in.



Mr. C mom is having a minor surgery in India today and he is understandably upset. He is in his room lights dimmed and extremely cranky. I am trying to be understanding but at this moment its just better to give him some space. Last February my mom had major surgery and so I can empathize with how it feels and what probably is bugging him is that he cannot find anyone to blame for it. Jokes apart staying so far away from our loved ones takes it toll. Nothing brings home this fact more than someone back home being sick. The helpless feeling in the pit of my stomach intensifies every time I hear someone is sick. It also deepens the awareness that if an emergency ever occurs we will never be back in India on time to be of any fruitful use. This in itself is a very depressing truth. So all Mr. C and me can do is call up often to see how things are progressing and pray that everything goes well.

And I am back...

Inspite of all the best intentions I had about blogging everyday it did not happen. I would gladly report that there was some major emergency or I was busy working on some life altering project but it would not be true. Instead I got caught up with mundane life and mommyhood. Before I knew it the week had passed by.




I did get time though to see a lot of the new fall season episodes which started this week. There are quite a few series premier that I really adored. Especially "The Event", I cannot stop gushing over it. It was gripping and just the kind of genre I like. I have a new favorite which is not crime related. Mr. Clean can finally breathe a sigh of relief. With the amount of Law and Order and Criminal Minds I watch he is fearful I am planning the perfect crime behind his back.

Not having Mr. C around for the week is finally taking its toll on me. Most times I run around like a head cut chicken. Its really hard on the days when I have to go into office and there are kids activities in the evening after school. I wake up in the morning and then suddenly in what feels like a split second the day ends leaving me with a bunch of unfinished to do lists flashing in my mind. I seriously am in awe of all the single parents out there and especially of the Army Wives who cheerfully wave their husbands good bye and raise their kids singlehandedly.

But Mr. C not around freaks me out at times. The other day I stayed up late at night watching some crime drama with a plot featuring a home invasion and then spent nearly fifteen minutes staring at my front door all the while thinking that someone may try to break in and then fastforwarding to how they will react when I tell them I do not even know my bank account number because Mr. C takes care of the finances.

I picked up a new word this week "Catastrophize" its not a real word but its exactly what I do a lot. Basically it means jumping to the worst possible conclusion when faced with a crisis. I do it a lot with my kids. Like when the Straight Line was learning to ride his scooter all I could think of him falling, hitting his head on the black top and me having to rush him to the ER. Irrational I know; borderline paranoid Sure but this week I was glad to find out that I was not alone there are quite a few mothers out there who do it too. And I find solace in those numbers.

More later.... I am out

More lessons from Mommyhood

Yesterday I went off on a serious tangent, I usually don't plan out a post just write what flows through my mind at that moment so while I will probably be writing more about parenthood you will find me veering away for things that are on my mind on certain days. On that note here are a few more mommyhood lessons

Those who think they know the most about parenting are those with NO kids! I have had snappily dressed ladies at Starbucks telling me how I can keep my toddler from screaming his head off because I would not let him sip my hot cup of coffee. They are like let him take a sip if he scalds himself he wont ask for it again. YAY nice solution and what do you think will happen when he scalds himself thats right he will cry louder and longer.

Sleeping late on weekends is as likely as Ashton Kutcher making you breakfast. [I could have used any other name too but I like Ashton and needed an excuse to put a picture of him] In other words all week long waking Staight Line up is usually an exercise in futility but come the weekend and at the crack of dawn he is up and asking about whats for breakfast. And every weekend morning I look at him all like the sun is not fully up, you probably have not even digested dinner and you want breakfast!!

Mommyhood turns you into your own mom. Before I became a mom I used to be sure of one thing I would not parent like my own mom, I would never tell my kids "Because I told you so". No dearie I would explain my actions to them and treat them with respect. That in turn would make them responsible and well rounded individuals. Well once Straight Line started talking that went pretty much out of the window. Coz a conversation between us would go like this
Me [at a musuem of natural history]: This is a Mongolian tiger which though it looks like a Royal Bengal tiger is more furry and ferocious. I would not want to meet him in the jungle.
SL [Straight Line]: Why mom?
ME [in my let me explain to him mood]: Coz he has these big paws which if he smacked me would probably  leave me dead.
Sl: What if u had a gun?
ME [still taking the bait]: Tigers move fast I dont know if I would have the reflex to shoot a gun.
SL: What if you had a semiautomatic? [thanks Transformers for teaching my 8 yr old that]
ME: Probably then I would not be scared
SL: What if the trigger jammed and you are not able to shoot
ME: That would be bad for me
SL: You could use the hand grenade, if you drop it in its mouth maybe...
By this time I have lost all inclination to explain nature to Straight Line and usually go with its a tiger , its scary so I don't wanna meet it outside its stuffed avatar and the he asks his last why and I end it with because I told you so. There are so many other places I realize I have started talking like my own mom but I leave that for another day.

Before I had kids, I never thought I needed help to go to the bathroom! But obviously I was wrong! Every single time i have to go in one of them has some immediate need with me. Its like I will crawl through the trapdoor on the floor and fly away to Bermuda. Not to say that thought has not crossed my mind. So now before going in I leave explicit instructions; unless there is a fire or a flood DO NOT knock on the door or call me. So five minutes pass and one of them will be at the door with a fierce whisper Mom no fire yet... and I go great call me if there is. Then two more minutes. MOM... this is Rule Bender... No fire No fud. I hear Straight Line explain to him Silly they cant come together otherwise the flood will put out the fire to with Rule Bender answers with a exaggerated OK. So Straight Line continues. If its a fire then we call Mom then we leave the house and go to neigbors house till the fireman say its ok.We can play Lego there for sometime or even the Wii [Yes my considerate son while your house is burning you play Mario Brothers very very thoughtful of you]. You cannot come back in the house till the fireman say you can, not even for bananas [Now Rule Bender is a banana fan but thats another post]. So now they both are having this fire drill just outside my bathroom door and while they are not technically talking to me there goes my Poop in Peace program.

You know someone is a parent when they hold out their hands to catch puke to avoid cleaning the carpet. Or let the baby puke all over you coz your night gown is easier to change than changing a whole set of sheets at 3 am. Gross but I have done this way too many times to remember.

I can buy $200 worth of groceries and still not have anything good to eat [according to the kids] that evening.

I have come to realize when you have kids there is no such thing as cleaning, you only organize the mess. Seriously both of my kids can trash a room 2 minutes flat. Rule Bender walks in to the living room and the first thing he does is throw all the pillows from the couch on the floor. Then he adds some cheetos to the mix and empties half a glass of water on the carpet for good measure and all this in the two minutes it takes me to shut all the lights upstairs and come down.

But the plan is to keep telling myself One day, I WILL live in a house where I can sleep late, eat my food while it is still hot, go to the bathroom without having company, & have adult beverages.

Lessons being a mom taught me....

Contrary to what I thought my inclinations were motherhood came very naturally to me. Over the years I have realized being a mom has taught me a lot, thought I would share some of them with you. I know its not a one size fits all type of thing but most moms I think will agree

Newborn babies do not look like the ones in they show in commercials.No mom falls giddily in love with her recently delivered offspring at first sight [ unless u woke 4 hours later from your c-section and the baby has been all cleaned up]. The first thought usually is that came out of my body, that wrinkly tadpole.

The cry of a baby is the most heart wrenching sound known to mankind. There is nothing I would not have traded to make Rule Bender to stop crying that night when he came down with a horrific ear infection.

Which brings me to the next lesson. Nothing makes a mom feel more helpless that her child in pain or sickness. I would in a heartbeat be willing to takeover if I could every sorrow or sickness my child will ever encounter.

Every child needs someone to make it feel super special, to make him/her realize that there is someone in this world who loves him/her to pieces. A child with a healthy self esteem is always sucessful in life.

Albeit unwillingly we pass on our own prejudices to our kids. They do not have to be major flaws; Straight LIne and Rule Bender both do not like to eat eggplants or pumpkins because I don't like them. I have never in so many words told them not to like them but they kind of just acquired the distaste. This goes on to just illustrate that I do shape their likes and dislikes. Somewhere in my future is a eggplant loving daughter-in-law cursing me for raising my son to hate eggplants.

Kids base their relationships on how we base our relationships. If we dodge phone calls and speak white lies on the phone they assume its ok to lie sometimes. If I speak ill of my mother in law in their presence they will not respect her.Whether I like to or not I influence their relationship with everybody in this world so I have to think twice before I voice an opinion in front of them.

Kids are quick learners. They quickly learn to adapt their actions to my reactions. So the next time Straight Line giggles at two teenagers kissing and I scold him for it he will not stop giggling he just won't do it in my presence. I have trained myself not to over react to situations but to take many things in the stride.

My kids do not need me to be their best friends. They need me to be their mother. Even if they do not like when I say something and there a lot of things I say [ Do not eat raw sugar from the sachets, do not smell each other butts, do not put the idli [steamed indian rice cake] into my CD drive] they know eventually that I can be trusted to keep them out of trouble. It is when you try and get over pally with the kids that you lose the authority to discpline them.

Kids need rules, infact they love rules as long as they are consistent and fair. The rule may not be fair to them at that very moment but as long as it is consistent they will accept it. So hitting, lying, screaming, finishing a complete box of chocolates in one sitting are never ever ok and there are no loopholes to this.

Well these are the serious lessons I gathered tomorrow I am doing a whole set of hilarious lessons I also found out starting with how being a mom meant never having a peaceful bath so check back for the part deux of this...

As seen on TV

When you have stayed in any place for nearly a decade you gradually start thinking of that place as home. What makes it more difficult is if that place in a completely different country than the one you were born and brought up in. Your identity becomes extremely blended.

After being here for quite some time I am often faced with the dilemma of determining my identity. An identity which is not based on what my visa status is or whether I am a citizen of a specific country. Its based more on what was familiar once is now not so familiar and what was at a time new to me is now my way of life. I am now confused if I am Indian in America or an American with roots in India. Now mind you this is not about patriotism or national pride its more of an adaptation of lifestyle and local norms due to the amount time you spend in one place.

But what annoys me the most is how people in both my adopted country USA and my motherland India seem quick to assert that they know everything about each other all based on "AS Seen on TV". I get tired of defending both the countires to each other because seriously both of them are a part of me and none of them are as bad as it seems.

In American media most documentaries of India will focus on crowded streets, half naked children under flyovers and animals on the road. I dont deny that is a part of India but it is so much more. India is a technologically advanced modern country with well lit metropolises and people with liberal thiking. In India reside a very urbanized set of people who are not unlike you. Making India to be a land of yogis and snake charmers would be akin to calling America a land only made of rodeo riders and baseball players. And while India may look to you like this

It is also this












In the same way Indians conceive America as a country with garish neon lights and divorce rates and infidelity through the roof. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Like in any country America has big cities and small towns. There are far more happily married families than divorcees here. And while the American outlook to life is far more liberal then the conservative India society permits you will find moms here with nearly the same issues and problems Indian moms face while raising their kids. And while you may picturize the whole of America to look like this

In reality most of America is probably more like this

Seriously if all you know of the other country is by watching TV documentaries and sitcoms then you are in for a rude awakening. Just like Kynki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi [or any other popluar sitcom] cannot be a true representative of Indian society at large similarly The Bold and the Beautiful cannot be considered as a primer to American scociety. They are sitcoms and as sitcoms go they are more there for the shock factor than to document a country's cultural landscape and hence should be taken with a generous dose of salt.

I am lucky enough to have both my Indian and American friends viewing my blog and  I hope I can be your window to both the countries. All you have to do is keep an open mind and ask...