More lessons from Mommyhood

Yesterday I went off on a serious tangent, I usually don't plan out a post just write what flows through my mind at that moment so while I will probably be writing more about parenthood you will find me veering away for things that are on my mind on certain days. On that note here are a few more mommyhood lessons

Those who think they know the most about parenting are those with NO kids! I have had snappily dressed ladies at Starbucks telling me how I can keep my toddler from screaming his head off because I would not let him sip my hot cup of coffee. They are like let him take a sip if he scalds himself he wont ask for it again. YAY nice solution and what do you think will happen when he scalds himself thats right he will cry louder and longer.

Sleeping late on weekends is as likely as Ashton Kutcher making you breakfast. [I could have used any other name too but I like Ashton and needed an excuse to put a picture of him] In other words all week long waking Staight Line up is usually an exercise in futility but come the weekend and at the crack of dawn he is up and asking about whats for breakfast. And every weekend morning I look at him all like the sun is not fully up, you probably have not even digested dinner and you want breakfast!!

Mommyhood turns you into your own mom. Before I became a mom I used to be sure of one thing I would not parent like my own mom, I would never tell my kids "Because I told you so". No dearie I would explain my actions to them and treat them with respect. That in turn would make them responsible and well rounded individuals. Well once Straight Line started talking that went pretty much out of the window. Coz a conversation between us would go like this
Me [at a musuem of natural history]: This is a Mongolian tiger which though it looks like a Royal Bengal tiger is more furry and ferocious. I would not want to meet him in the jungle.
SL [Straight Line]: Why mom?
ME [in my let me explain to him mood]: Coz he has these big paws which if he smacked me would probably  leave me dead.
Sl: What if u had a gun?
ME [still taking the bait]: Tigers move fast I dont know if I would have the reflex to shoot a gun.
SL: What if you had a semiautomatic? [thanks Transformers for teaching my 8 yr old that]
ME: Probably then I would not be scared
SL: What if the trigger jammed and you are not able to shoot
ME: That would be bad for me
SL: You could use the hand grenade, if you drop it in its mouth maybe...
By this time I have lost all inclination to explain nature to Straight Line and usually go with its a tiger , its scary so I don't wanna meet it outside its stuffed avatar and the he asks his last why and I end it with because I told you so. There are so many other places I realize I have started talking like my own mom but I leave that for another day.

Before I had kids, I never thought I needed help to go to the bathroom! But obviously I was wrong! Every single time i have to go in one of them has some immediate need with me. Its like I will crawl through the trapdoor on the floor and fly away to Bermuda. Not to say that thought has not crossed my mind. So now before going in I leave explicit instructions; unless there is a fire or a flood DO NOT knock on the door or call me. So five minutes pass and one of them will be at the door with a fierce whisper Mom no fire yet... and I go great call me if there is. Then two more minutes. MOM... this is Rule Bender... No fire No fud. I hear Straight Line explain to him Silly they cant come together otherwise the flood will put out the fire to with Rule Bender answers with a exaggerated OK. So Straight Line continues. If its a fire then we call Mom then we leave the house and go to neigbors house till the fireman say its ok.We can play Lego there for sometime or even the Wii [Yes my considerate son while your house is burning you play Mario Brothers very very thoughtful of you]. You cannot come back in the house till the fireman say you can, not even for bananas [Now Rule Bender is a banana fan but thats another post]. So now they both are having this fire drill just outside my bathroom door and while they are not technically talking to me there goes my Poop in Peace program.

You know someone is a parent when they hold out their hands to catch puke to avoid cleaning the carpet. Or let the baby puke all over you coz your night gown is easier to change than changing a whole set of sheets at 3 am. Gross but I have done this way too many times to remember.

I can buy $200 worth of groceries and still not have anything good to eat [according to the kids] that evening.

I have come to realize when you have kids there is no such thing as cleaning, you only organize the mess. Seriously both of my kids can trash a room 2 minutes flat. Rule Bender walks in to the living room and the first thing he does is throw all the pillows from the couch on the floor. Then he adds some cheetos to the mix and empties half a glass of water on the carpet for good measure and all this in the two minutes it takes me to shut all the lights upstairs and come down.

But the plan is to keep telling myself One day, I WILL live in a house where I can sleep late, eat my food while it is still hot, go to the bathroom without having company, & have adult beverages.